Ain't That A Bitch

Here is a hypothetical question to the three people who read my blog.

Let's just say that your Aunt in years past dated a guy who is now a camera technician and this gentleman has actually worked some pretty good films. Now here we are twenty-five years later and said cameraman has not even attempted to look for another woman because he was so enamored with your Aunt. Would it be wrong to sabotage my Aunt's marriage in hopes that she may possibly be able to get me an apprenticeship with this cameraman?

"If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and get lectured by a pervert. "

A few years ago I purchased a custom made guitar. I recently decided that since I'm not working and I need something to function better in the band I would sell this guitar since its worth a lot and the least played. Was it divine providence that caused me to receive a postcard from Sam Ash saying that this weekend only we will be paying top dollar for any used equipment, I'm not sure but I packed up the guitar and was on my way. I get to the store an find a sales rep, once he opens the case he was in shock, "whoa, that's a pretty sweet guitar." Aha!! I well certainly be getting somewhere around the offer I wanted. There was a metalhead shredding out in the aisle right in front of me who asked why would I ever be getting rid of that guitar. Excellent, Excellent. I most certainly will be walking out of here with all the little goodies I want plus some cash in my pockets. The sales guy disappears for ten minutes to talk to his manager. I thought maybe they were looking up the value online or something. I see the shimmer of emerald green from across the room ah here it is. "My boss says two..." Before the guy can finish I think two thousand I never thought it could be that much with out haggling. "hundred." What did this guy just say two hundred. I broke out in a fit of hysterical laughter. The metal guys jaw drops and he just shakes his head. "Sorry dude, but he says that the body shape is too weird and its a seven string" I continued to laugh and put the guitar back in the case and walked-out. What an insult to me and my guitar.

Damn you Apocalypse, Damn you. Apocalypse!!!!!

This is what she looks like but she doesn't have gold hardware and there is an extra string. Two hundred dollars buys you a starter guitar that is going to crap out after two years. There are at least 150 to 200 hours on her and there isn't any fret wear. What bullshit.

180 bpm

I joined a gym this week, apparently this took quite a few people by surprise. A brief physical description of myself would be 6' 1" and 145 lbs, I'm quite thin, not ghastly thin but thin enough. Yes, I have actually gone three days already. On the third day I had a session with a personal trainer where I set the standard for a work out to be designed on Tuesday. Now maybe its because I lifted legs the previous day, but when I was told to ride the stationary bike for five minutes I cringed just slightly. My burning legs began peddling and the burn begins to spread up my quads. After two minutes cardio wise I was fine but my legs felt as if they were going to be sheared away by the rotating pedals. I looked down at the little monitors and I saw the bpm meter, 180 that seems a bit high for two minutes on this contraption, so I asked my trainer, "can this possibly be right?". He looked at the flashing LEDs, "I guess" was his reply. Now I certainly don't claim to be an expert when it comes to aerobic exercise, but I thought at that speed hearts exploded. I felt fine, aside from my legs. Three minutes later -16 was my fitness score I don't know exactly what that means but the next thing to illuminate the screen was "very poor". No shit. That leads me to today, can barely make up stairs, hurts to lay down, it feels like my legs have piano wire being pulled in and out of them all the time. Damn me and my want to be more than 145.

He sucks!

M Night Shyamalan is probably my most hated writer and director of all times. Every article I have ever read with this guy has him erroneously claiming that his stories are so hard to figure out and mental. Anyhow before I rant about him some more I need to say that here is a little article about what M Night says about the new proposal in Hollywood to have DVD's and movies in theaters released simultaneously. I never thought I would have disagree with the view point he puts foward but if he says he'll stop making movies then I'm all for it.

"When There Is No More Room In Hell The Dead Will Walk The Earth"

In light of my recent brush with the undead I propose a scenario.

If the dead were returning to life and feasting on the flesh of the living everywhere not just in a few localized areas what would you do?

I would be going to Maryland because my friends apartment building is well fortified with many security doors. Down the road there is also a Wal-Mart that sells firearms and ammuntion as well as non-perishable goods. I think that would be my course of action.

Zombie Apocalypse

Lately my life has been wrought with zombie filled coincidences. This is certainly not a bad thing because zombies, the undead, flesh-eaters, and stenches as they are sometimes referred to are one of my favorite horror creations. I have received numerous text messages and voicemails from my friend who lives in Maryland about the undead when I'm watching a zombie movie or talking about them this past week.

Land of the Dead is a very good movie, I would only recommend the Unrated Cut though much more gore and peeling flesh.

bleech

Unemployment brings Absinthe hangover on Monday morning. Not good. Even when I'm not working Mondays still suck.

How can it be called Irish then?

I was recently in New Mexico, whilst there I noticed a very strange thing that I think everyone needs to know about. If you go to a bar and order an Irish Car Bomb it doesn't come with Jameson. How can it even be an Irish Car Bomb without the whiskey? For those of you who may not know a Irish Car Bomb is 3/4 a pint of Guiness with a shot that is half Baileys Irish Cream and Half Jameson Whiskey. You take the shot drop it in the pint glass and chug. Repeat until vomiting or drunk.

*This is not to be attempted by non-drinkers, people who have chugging deficiencies, and/or have stomach linings that are less durable then cast iron. Thulsa Doom can not be held responsible for injuries sustained during the preparation, drinking, or hang-over periods*

"God IS dead! Satan Lives!"

For those of you who don't know I stopped blogging because my old job, I'm now unemployed, installed a security system on their internet. Don't think I've taken up the habit of swearing in my posts or revealing confidential information but they were born-again Christians. How did I get the job, why did I keep it, they may seem like complex questions but they're really not, they paid me. So I guess that makes me a mental whore... I feel dirty.

I hate Christians. Let me rephrase that. I hate 85% of the Christians I've met and worked with. If anyone perchance stumbles unto this and can answer why they are so hypocritical leave me an answer.

Is This How Interpersonally Challeneged People Are?

I'm at a loss about this article. I mean I'm not the most talkative or friendly person, in fact I'm pretty much a nasty hermit, but I still have never thought of hiring anybody to help me talk to more people or even get laid. Society is so fucked now that people need to hire wingmen to help them. We're all going to die.

RIP Big Ed's BBQ

This sucks...

My roomate and a friend of ours decided that we would go out to Big Ed's BBQ tonight. The fate's however decreed that it would be closed. So forevermore there will never be tasty all you can eat ribs or pulled pork for decent prices. It is indeed a sad day in New Jersey.

Tomorrow I will be making arrangements to purchase the location and re-open Big Ed's BBQ as my own.

Darrell Abbott

RIP Darrell Abbott. One of Metal's best guitarists gone to soon.

He could play his pick-up magnets for Christ's sake.

Way to Die

This is an award winning story

Yeah so I ended up here because my lava lamp wasn't working. No, seriously... I was sitting there staring at it and the stuff inside wasn't moving. I took it into the kitchen and put it on the range after a few minutes it started to change shape so I pulled up a chair and watched it when all of a sudden it exploded in my face. I tried to get a band aid when I died in my doorway. That's how I ended up in hell.

Old Man - The Reprise

I went to go see Alexander with two friends Wednesday night. There was a group of three fifty year olds sitting in the row in front of us. As soon as the movie started they began talking, the woman's cell phone went off and they just wouldn't stop. Here is how the exchange goes.

Me - Hey... Shut up.
Old Guy 1 - What?! You can't talk like that. Have some respect. You Punk!
Me - Watch it old man.
Old Guy 1 - This is an emergency.
Old Guy 2 - You want to take it outside.
Me - Wait till after the movie.
Old Guy 2 - You aren't even old enough.
Me - Old enough to kick your ass.

Now I find it weird that this is the second time in a week that I've been referred to as a punk. It is also bizarre that multiple old men, this group and sweatpants, wnat to get into a fight with someone who is half there age. They must have drove in from Manville.

The Depths of My Bald Spot

I saw a short film last night that I helped my friend make in film school. It was funny to watch because it was better than any Jeff Fahey movie I've ever seen, and "Remo Williams". There was some stuff that was cool and some stuff that certainly sucked. Like there were only four of us working on it, but ten or twelve zombies. Despite the different wardrobe it is still pretty obvious by my bald spot alone that I'm always me. Which leads me to my point. I've lost so much hair in the past three years. (we shot three years ago to the day) I didn't have a lot of hair back then either but now there is nothing left by comparison. It is quite depressing. I'm so glad I got in the habit of shaving my head. Sigh...

Sweatpants?!

As a friend has already posted about this I now feel like it is my duty as a passenger in the "dirty old man running across the road" incident to point out that he was wearing a hat for 'W' as well as the sweat suit. Is it possible for him to suck anymore? He also referred to us as punks. That's a bit bizarre. Now take the sweat suit, the beard that a fifteen year old boy tries to grow, the 'W' hat, the punks remark, and the fact that he was going to tell his brother on us, what do you get? A fifty year old guy that probably should have gotten his ass kicked even though he was old and probably mentally challenged.

$28,000.00

The sandwich from god went for $28,000.00.

Beyond My Childhood Dreams

I would definitely pay mass quantities of money to own a set of these. I wonder if it will be for sale sometime soon.

Quote of the Day

"Do you think Colin Powell knows how much of a fuck his son is? If he was my kid, I'd be heart broken. I would want to know what I did wrong that made him such a fuck"-Dexter 11-17-04

Sandwich From God?

Does anybody remember five or six years ago when it seemed everyone and their mother found the Virgin Mary in various places? Well, she's back. Not really, somebody decided to sell their ten year old, half eaten, grilled cheese sandwich that bears the likeness of Mary, on E-Bay. What is truly mind boggling about this is the fact that it got pulled last week when the highest bid was $22,000.00. What the hell!!! If some lady can profit off a decade old sandwich what the hell am I doing with a job? I could start making tasty food treats with religious icons depicted on them save the lot for a few years and sell them all on E-Bay.

100% Chance of Showers

This is pretty cool. We (earth) will be in the midst of meteor showers for the next four to five days. Aurora Borealis was definitely worth watching, the odds of this being worth seeing are pretty high. Especially if this is going to look like the thing my roommate and I saw streak across the sky while coming back from "Dunkin Donuts". Because that thing we saw was worth watching for. Hopefully nothing huge will impact on earth, destroying mankind and leading to the rise of dinosaur sized cockroaches.

Damn, That's A Lot Of Calories

I would like to take this time to say it is about damn time that someone stepped up to the plate, quite literally, with a sandwich that can choke a camel. So, I tip my hat to Hardee's food chain... Thank you. It's nice to see a fast food place that isn't afraid of being sued because people are so damn lazy that they gorged themselves at the trough of convience and got fat instead of practicing moderation. I just need to find somebody that has eaten at a Hardee's to make sure the burgers taste good.

I Don't Commend The Attacking And Killing of Old Women But Holy Crap.

A Great White Shark that is eighteen feet long! I think they called that movie "Jaws". The South African government are probably going to go kill the shark now. Do you think that there will be tours to go see the behemoth shark that time forgot? If so I'm going.

My Apologies

I'd like to personally apologize to every other country in the world for the shithead we have in office. For what he has done the past four years, and what is going to do the next four. It is indeed a sad day in America and on Earth. At least all other countries can say that 58 million of you aren't utterly retarded. I can't believe this Bush wants toappoint Condoleezza Rice the Secretary of State.

"Lost City" of Atlantis

It isn't so lost anymore is it? Click Me

Monday Afternoon

Still recovering from the Friday of the weekend gone. It was intensely drunk. Tequila bad. Wine bad. Spinal Tap Good. My kidneys and liver were definitely not happy with me on Saturday morning. That passed slowly sometime after Guitar browsing, CD shopping, and some PS2. (Thank you Donvier for letting me sit in the front seat.)

Has anybody been to a music store that has that "scan and play" system? Aside from feeling very dirty for using the communal headphones, have you ever actually had a CD you wanted to hear play? I decided to get some more international music at the store, so I decided to take advantage of the "scan and play". 75% of what I wanted to hear came up as "CD Unknown" I know some of choices were a little bizarre, because they were international and we are in America. What the hell is the point of the "scan and play" if nothing fucking played?
There was a CD that claimed "If Gladys Knight could do this she wouldn't have need the Pips" no I need to hear to believe it. It was just a yodeling Chinese or Tibetan singer. At least that one worked.

2:00 Am on Saturday

Good morning. I'm fucking drunky right now. I've been listening to a shit load of Morrissey this evening. But tequila and wine and Jack and coke have severley impaired any function of mine right now. There is a cat on my lap I feel kinda like Marlon Brando from the Godfather

For Those About To Rock

I've decided that it would be extremely unwise to call the band "the George Lucas Experiment" because Lucas would probably sue the pants off us. It might be funny not to have any pants. However, it is now November, winter is on its way and it's getting colder by the minute.

Accounts Receivable Hell

Booking entries into accounts that are only numbers. Magical fraudulent numbers indeed. Who even knows what the hell all this means? The person that thought up this system should be killed. They have probably been dead for years... someone needs to figure out how to bring them back from the dead just so I can kill them... again. Kind of like refried beans, just not as tasty. "cause that's like killing some shit twice". I got a raise for loafing. A promotion too. Is there no end to the madness that is Nonprofit Accounting?

One Dollar Shots

All I have to say is that any bar that has one dollar shots and two dollar bar food can't be bad. It's true I was there and it was good they had that golf game and ten TVs all playing the football game. I think I've died and gone to heaven. No, shit I'm at work again.

Rocket Propelled Transportation

I think the next wave in technological advancements should be in the field of transportation namely the individual rocket pack. Like the movie "The Rocketeer" minus the guy with the sinister moustache, the Nazi’s, the queer looking helmet, and Jennifer Connelly. If we all had rocket packs we could greatly reduce the number of vehicles on the ground, increase travel time, and fuel efficiency. That could effectively lower the cost of fuel because the demand would drop. Let's do the math... A trip to Baltimore takes me two hours and forty-five minutes averaging about seventy to seventy-five miles per hour, let say on a jet pack you could fly one hundred and fifty miles per hour that cuts the travel time in half. Not to mention the tolls and the other asshole motorists you wouldn't have to deal with. With my car I can get to Baltimore and back and one or two trips to work on a tank that costs thirty dollars to fill, a person who weighs one hundred and seventy five pounds would probably be able to make it there and back with say fifteen to twenty dollars of rocket fuel.
Later the downsides of rocket pack technology.

Rocket Propelled Transportation II

The downside of a rocket propulsion system contained on someone's back is first the extreme heat that would be created by the thrusters. If using a rocket pack you would probably explode in flight. The second would be maneuverability how the hell would you steer one. The survival rate of crash victims would probably be 0%. Fuck it this idea sucks. I'll just drive everywhere like everyone else.

Happy Birthday!!!

I'm just writing this to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Famke Janssen. Well, she's a good actress and quite attractive too.

Music To My Ears

Last night I was listening to Bob Marley, once "Roots, Rock, Reggae" came on I just started feeling happy. Then I remember something my roommate said. Apparently major chords and progressions are easier for your ears to hear, so it makes your head happy. Naturally Bob is the epitome of happy time music. This is kind of a weird thought, because I enjoy listening to minor toned music most of the time . Perhaps that is why I'm always a dick? That's something to think about.

Those Darn Canadians

This guy is either the stupidest man that ever flew LAX or the ballseyest.

CD Shopping

It was my lunch hour, a friend of mine wanted me to pick him up a CD before I go down to his place in Baltimore, so I did the logical thing... go buy it. I went to three stores and none of them had it. It may be an obscure disc but I've already got a copy and I saw more "out of the box" stuff than what I was looking for. All of a sudden I feel like my cash isn't good enough to spend. Has it become so bad that a society based around sloth and convenience is too fucking lazy to stock it? For christ’s sake I can't find a stupid piece of plastic with some music etched onto it. What the hell is going on here! Am I the only sane consumer left.

Praiseworthy Mediocrity

Lately at work I've been at bit on the unfulfilled side. I feel kind of empty about my job and the 8 hours of work. It is now really weird when I get praise for doing what I personally consider mediocre. Does that mean I automatically have a higher standard, if my boss thinks that something I threw together in thirty minutes between looking at stories in the news is excellent what does that mean? I must say I feel uncomfortable because I'm being praised for doing less then what I could.

Write in the Vote 2008

I'm pretty pissed off about this election. It did however prove my theory that John Kerry is a pussy, who can't focus on, well, anything it seems. Ha... conceding what a loser. Also, Bush is a big asshole he didn't even win the election and he thinks he is so great with his "fuzzy numbers".
My proposal in response to this debacle is to start, "Write in the Vote 2008". It will be a campaign run by me in which we elect the least qualified politician but perhaps a great actor/ entertainer/ philosopher. I'm not really picky just as long as it is not a politician on our ballot.
I'll keep everyone posted for possible candidates in the upcoming four years, it will be sooner than that though. This will take some careful planning, foresight and at least one person who isn't an asshole/politician.

Baby Back Beer

I implore all beer makers to figure out how to brew an alcoholic beverage that is 10% and tastes exactly like Baby Back Ribs. I personally would be sloshed 24/365 if there was such a concoction, but that’s just me.

Hoorays and Boos

I would like to give a "Hurrah" to all of the following things

• Doritos
• Drakes Cakes
• Big Ed's BBQ
• Princeton Record Exchange
• Mom & Pop's Book Stores all around the country
• The large Latte that only cost $2.10
• Ibuprofen
• Guinness
• Absinthe
• Vodka

You have all contributed to a most worthy cause - keeping the weekends suck free

I would like to “boo” the following

• New "dawn of the dead"
• The script writers for new "dawn of the dead"
• Any fast moving, cat-like, hissing and growling zombies
• The neighbors
• The Mega Millions Lottery, why aren't I a millionaire yet
• Stephen King and his legion of idiotic fans
• The asshole Hollywood hot shot who thought it would be a good idea to remake "Suspiria"
• The guy with the mullet
• The guy with the mullet's friend who had his sweater tied around his neck

You all are responsible destroying just a little piece of decency and humanity, and I was forced to watch first hand.

What Is It Doing In My Soda?!?!

Yesterday afternoon I was drinking a soda and actually looked at the ingredients. I was a bit dismayed that there is "Brominated Vegetable Oil" in it. I don't know what that is but I must be honest, it concerns me a bit. If I think of vegetable oil I don't think of mixing it with a tasty carbonated beverage and I certainly don't think that I would want to mix it with Bromide. So the whole thing seems a bit fishy to me. If anybody out there reads this and knows why there is "brominated vegetable oil" in at least four of the sodas I drink could you let me know. Last I checked bromide is bad.

IT'S A NEW RECORD!!!

So, the world record for the anal gang bang now stands at one hundred and one. Because, well we all know that it's so much harder to take 102 dicks than 101 or even 100. The video should be out in a month or two. That must be long. No pun intended. I must say I'm impressed in a really disturbed and disgusted way. To each his/her own... or one hundred and one other peoples swingbags banging against your ass.

Cheesecake

All I can say is that Fried Cheesecake is great. Whoever thought up frying cheesecake deserves the nobel prize. It is so tasty. I wonder what they bread the cake with before dropping it in the fryer. The coating tastes different than the fried ice cream, which is also incredible. If only every restraunt served it. I do think it is a little on the over indulgent side to be considered fit for regular comsumption.